ALC - Homeward

You may know that we at Homeward Bound promote and believe in tapping into the power of a teen\’s natural support network of family, neighbors, coaches, and others.  We refer to this group as the teen\’s \”Home Team.\”  This isn\’t revolutionary.  All we have done is acknowledge and value something that is as old as mankind.  It\’s our basic humanity.  It\’s the instinct most people have to take action in behalf others when we find them in crisis.

I often think I was born a couple hundred years too late.  I can see myself with a coon skin hat, riding a buckskin colored horse, holding a 30/30 Winchester rifle, shooting the breeze with someone like Jim Bridger.  Some of my favorite movies are set during that period of time when the west was still a wilderness frontier and the Indians lived on the plains.  Two of my favorite movies of all time are Kevin Costner’s “Dances with Wolves” and “Last of the Mohicans.”

If you’ll remember, in both movies Indians were used to help the soldiers track people they considered fugitives. These Native Americans were referred to as scouts and their job was to lead the soldiers to the renegades.  They would stay close to the ground and search for signs that would tell them the direction, speed, and number of horses, in the fleeing band.  Their expertise in tracking, a skill probably gained as they hunted for food, told them about the travels of the fugitives.  A broken twig, a light impression in the dirt, disturbed grass, all these were signs that told a story.  By following these kinds of clues they were able to zero in on and find the party on the run.

I’ve been told the reason you have kids, is to get grand kids.  It’s an indication of the joy that grandparents often feel in that role.  It’s not an indication that their own children were unlovable.  They see these young people as the budding legacy they will leave when they are gone.

Grandchildren reciprocate the adoration.  They love their grandparents.  They get as excited about grandma coming over as they would to see the ice cream man parked across the street.  This mutual love in the relationship sets up an opportunity for your child to be mentored and loved like no other.  The reason the role has that potential power, is that a grandparent doesn’t usually carry the weight of responsibility to train and teach daily that the parents bear.  They feel freedom to love unconditionally.

Summer is here, kids are graduating or getting out of school, and we have a couple

of months where we are supposed to let our hair down a little. As responsible and busy adults, we understand how hard it can be to drag yourself away from the grind and take a look around at what the rest of the world (including your children) are up to. We tell ourselves that our children are our top priority, and we want to build memories, but making them a reality is difficult. Especially if you are like me…you wonder why moving the woodpile, or building a fence doesn’t rank high on the list of treasured memories for our teens!

Parents of teens will often enter adolescence fearing it as a painful and scary period that they will need to grit their teeth through to survive.  They have heard the horror stories, they have witnessed some pretty rough stuff with their own eyes, and they are ready to do the “death march” through it until the teen is launched.

Let me share an interesting experience I had with relaxing a little, so that you can appreciate the exhilarating experience of parenting your teen.

Bill Walton, a heralded basketball commentator that played at a high level in the NBA for 13 years, was asked for his take on a recent basketball game where the highly favored San Diego State Aztecs team was beaten for the second time by the less athletic Brigham Young University team.  While you may not play basketball or be a BYU fan, I think you will find his words inspiring and true about any real achievement in life.  Let me share.

“The great thing about what BYU did, is that they represented all of the things that make life so special.  They won the battle…of substance over hype, [we saw] the triumph of achievement over erratic flailing, the conquest of discipline over gambling, the triumph of executing an organized game plan over just hoping that you\’re going to be just lucky, hot, or in the zone.  They also represented the conquest of sacrifice, and commitment to achievement over the pipe dream that someone is going to give you something, or that you can take a pill, or turn a key to get what you want.\”

Bill Walton, a heralded basketball commentator that played at a high level in the NBA for 13 years, was asked for his take on a recent basketball game where the highly favored San Diego State Aztecs team was beaten for the second time by the less athletic Brigham Young University team.  While you may not play basketball or be a BYU fan, I think you will find his words inspiring and true about any real achievement in life.  Let me share.

“The great thing about what BYU did, is that they represented all of the things that make life so special.  They won the battle…of substance over hype, [we saw] the triumph of achievement over erratic flailing, the conquest of discipline over gambling, the triumph of executing an organized game plan over just hoping that you\’re going to be just lucky, hot, or in the zone.  They also represented the conquest of sacrifice, and commitment to achievement over the pipe dream that someone is going to give you something, or that you can take a pill, or turn a key to get what you want.\”

Last Saturday my nine year old daughter made her first batch of hot cereal for the family. As she stirred the cup of Cream of Wheat into the boiling water on the stove, she called out \”This is going to be so good!  I can\’t wait to eat this cereal…Yum!\”

Sitting next to each other at the counter, she kept watching for my reaction as I took the first bite.  \”Wow this is great!  Especially for your first time ever making it\” I said.  And I wasn\’t lying.  She had made a delicious breakfast that not only tasted good, but induced wonderful memories of my mother making the same creamy white cereal for me when I was in grade school.

Then I scooped up a large, hard lump of cereal that had not been stirred in properly as it was being cooked.  My breakfast bliss with my daughter was disturbed with feelings of shame.  You see, along with the nice memories were the memories of times Mom hadn’t gotten everything just right.  In the rush to get 8 kids out the door for school, mom’s inattention sometimes produced clumps of cereal.  I would flatly refuse to eat it.  Even after she offered other options for breakfast, I’d chose to go to school hungry.  I remember consciously trying to make my mom feel bad.  Not because I didn’t love her (she was the center of my world still), but because I knew that Mom would feel guilty and then do whatever she could to make it up to me in some way.  I didn’t realize this then, but I admit now, that in some ways I was entitled and manipulative.

My youngest son’s report card came back and everything looked good except one understated piece of feedback from his first grade teacher.  In the column “Areas to Improve” it said, “Halsten needs to work on his anger.”

In spite of the fact that at six years old he still has the cutest “mean eyes,” and severely down turned mouth you’ve ever seen, if he doesn’t learn to manage his anger it could have far more harsh outcomes in his life than a little feedback from his teacher.  The reality is that we all might do well to take Mrs. Drake’s feedback personally.

My youngest son’s report card came back and everything looked good except one understated piece of feedback from his first grade teacher.  In the column “Areas to Improve” it said, “Halsten needs to work on his anger.”

In spite of the fact that at six years old he still has the cutest “mean eyes,” and severely down turned mouth you’ve ever seen, if he doesn’t learn to manage his anger it could have far more harsh outcomes in his life than a little feedback from his teacher.  The reality is that we all might do well to take Mrs. Drake’s feedback personally.