How to Influence Others - 4 steps that may surprise you

As a mother, I spend a lot of time trying to influence my children to do what I want them to do—get dressed, eat meals, be obedient, refrain from booger mining in front of grandma. I used to think that the reason they wouldn’t listen was because I must not be communicating properly. I only needed to speak louder, say it clearer, say it again, then again, then yell and surely they would fall in line.

Big surprise, this did not work.

I could reach decibel ten and my children would still completely ignore me. I could negotiate, I could pontificate, I could talk myself blue in the face, and they still wouldn’t pick up their Legos from underneath the table. 

What was I doing wrong?

I’m an excellent communicator. Or so I thought. I have a top-notch command over the English language. Heck, I have a degree in the English language. I can string words together like Tom Petty can string music notes. (Well, maybe not that well.) Why weren’t my words working?

According to Kent Evans, the Executive Director of Manhood Journey, having influence is actually not about how well you can string words together or how many words you say. We often think the more we say something, the more people will hear it and then respond the way we want them to. We think if we can only just get more words out or find better words, smarter, funnier and more engaging words, then surely, our children, friends, spouses, co-workers or customers will listen and respond.

But that’s not it.

According to Evans, the art of influence is not about speaking well, it is about listening well.

If we listen instead of speaking, then we learn. If we learn, then we begin to understand just who we are speaking to. Once we understand that person, we can better tailor our message to who that person is. Then our message will land. Boom, now we’re effective communicators.

In his podcast with Patrick from IOL, Evans mentions a time that he was working in France. As an English-only speaker he realized that in order to communicate with the French, they had to speak English to him. They could speak French to him all they wanted as much as they wanted, as loudly as they wanted, and he still wouldn’t understand what they were saying.

That was when he realized that influencing others is speaking the language they can understand, even if it’s not our first language. So how do we do this well?  

Here’s a few steps:

1. Understand that being a good communicator is not about how much you can say but rather what you can glean from listening. We must first choose to enter conversations by holding back our words. It’s only natural to have things you want to say and people that you want to say them to. However, when it’s necessary to communicate well and effectively, we should first enter the conversation with the intent to listen. It helps to begin the conversation with a question instead of a statement.

2. Then listen well. There is a difference between actually listening to what someone is saying and simply hearing the words while thinking about something else. When we listen, we absorb information, synthesize it and understand. We are not thinking about the next thing we want to say, rather we are thinking about what is being said by the other person. We can then formulate questions from there.

3. Ask good questions. If you are seeking to truly understand something that someone is saying, then it usually requires asking clarifying questions. Show up curious and ask questions until you feel like you genuinely understand what the other person is saying. It also works to repeat back what you are hearing. That person will then usually expound upon what was said. Another question that’s always nice to have in your back pocket is, “Can you say more about that?” It’s open-ended enough to allow the speaker the space to take the conversation where he/she would like it to go.

4. NOW tailor your message. It’s time to speak French. Now that you know more about who you are communicating with, where they come from, and what they need, you can tailor your message. If my teenager is feeling overlooked or my co-worker is feeling underappreciated, then I know how to tailor my message in light of that information. I can encourage my teenager and take additional steps to reward or praise my co-worker before I make suggestions or ask things of them.

Communication in parenthood and management is never quite as simple as it sounds. However, it’s always worth the work. Evans mentions that he had a client who said his problem within his business was efficacy, but after some conversation in which Evans listened and asked questions, he discovered that a proper measuring tool was not being used to determine efficacy. So, the problem wasn’t efficacy since that wasn’t being measured. That was where they began.

I know as a parent I will not always be quick to listen whenever I ask things of my children but at least I can try. If I stop with the overflow of words and ask them questions instead, even some of the time, I have become a much better communicator and a more effective influencer.

This post is based on a section of the IOL Podcast #143 and #144 with Kent Evans from Manhood Journey.

This blog was written by Ashley Buenger