8 min. read
"I'm an ISTJ," he told me, and that's the moment I decided it could be doomed. It was only my fourth date with the guy, but until then, he'd seemed perfect: an intelligent 23-year-old with blond hair, visible maturity, and the derring-do to wear a pink button-up. He was a Southern gentleman just missing the bow tie, and I was his girly companion in pink, white, and red. Together, we made a lovely J.Crew catalog in New York City's Riverside Park.
So, when I asked his Myers-Briggs type, a practice I do with everyone I meet, I didn't expect to hear an answer so far from my own. The test, officially known as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, categorizes people into 16 different, four-letter personality types, where each letter represents a preference between two modes of thinking—extraverted (E) versus introverted (I); sensing (S) versus intuitive (N); thinking (T) versus feeling (F); and judging (J) versus perceiving (P). I'm an ENFJ, and he, as an ISTJ, thought pretty differently than me. When I heard the letters, I started imagining our points of tension—but then I stopped myself.
Though I always felt there was something impenetrable about him—he admitted people had trouble connecting with him and seemed closed—he told me he liked me. "I can't wait to get to know you more," he said, the words seeming so genuine. So the ISTJ thing definitely wasn't a deal breaker, I told myself. And it didn't seem to be…until he disappeared a week later without explanation. Was it fair of me then to blame it partly on his Myers-Briggs type? (Even just a little bit?)
When I met J.Crew guy, I had been obsessed with the Myers-Briggs for years. I swore the test could make me happier in love. From the articles I read about ENFJ romantic compatibility, I determined some types better complemented mine. The INFP was specifically called out as a strong match. So I'd search for that, and the further someone's type was from it, the less seriously I'd take them as a love interest.
I wasn't completely wrong in thinking the MBTI could be a powerful tool—it's actually used in couple's therapy and pre-martial counseling.
But Jennifer Overbo, the VP of Marketing for The Myers-Briggs Company, told me that my particular interpretation of how to use MBTI—searching for an INFP to date—was misguided.
"The better way to think about it is there's potential in every relationship. What you should be focusing on is how do I get to understand who that other person actually is, and how they naturally prefer to approach their lives."
The real advantage of knowing someone's type starts on that first date "when oftentimes you are coming to them in a way that you feel that they need you to be or want you to be, versus who you really are." The four letters become a shortcut to see through the mask not only you wear but they also do, too. You may find out sooner who they really are and how that fits with you.
When J.Crew guy told me his type that afternoon, I didn't really use that information correctly. Overbo suggests using type "as a way to really engage them further. Say, 'Great, let's talk a little bit more about that. How does that impact you?'" Try to really understand them.
Instead, my mind got ahead of me, and I convinced myself we weren't compatible. As an ISTJ, he was logical and detail driven; as an ENFJ, I was feeling and big picture-oriented. In our arguments, he'd seem cold and indifferent to me; I'd seem unnecessarily emotional to him.
I focused on conflict points, which letters can reveal. But they're far from guaranteed "because there's more to every relationship than just personality type." Still, Overbo noted a few red flags with opposite pairings:
My belief about arguing was right. With any of these differences, "over time, if there isn't a real understanding about why this other person comes at things [differently], resentment can build, and you may think, 'Gosh, this person doesn't really appreciate what I need,'" Overbo said.
But even though it may seem attractive and comfortable, being with your same type can create problems too, Overbo warned. "Often what can happen in those relationships is one person ends up dominating in [each preference], and the other person has to flex outside of theirs," she explained. "And that can be very draining."
Suppose J.Crew guy was an extravert like me. "You may both want to talk about your day, and you both want to be able to get what you need to say out. But who's listening?"
After talking with Overbo, I realized my approach with dating was all wrong, that Myers-Briggs shouldn't eliminate anyone. After all, as Overbo said so eloquently, "I think you owe it to yourself as an individual to expect more—and to explore more. You never know what you might miss if you're limiting yourself at the start."
What Myers-Briggs does help with, though, is providing a jumping-off point for communication, because "at the end of the day, if you can figure out how to communicate with another person, that's going to be the key to your relationship success."
And that's where J.Crew guy and I failed. When he told me he was an ISTJ, I immediately gave up on being able to understand him (not to say he made it easy by ignoring my reconnection texts after.) So despite the MBTI not being the quite the dating cheat I thought it'd be, I do still believe in it and its power in relationships. If all we really want is for people to understand us, the Myers-Briggs puts everyone one step closer, reminding us all to be aware of the many other ways people think.
Want to learn more about type and relationships? Check out this episode of The Myers-Briggs Company Podcast.
Don’t know your or your partner’s MBTI personality type? Take the real assessment here.
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